PARENT'S WORD

Discipline is a Four Letter Word . . . L - O - V - E: School-Age Children (Part 3)

by Carolyn C. Waterbury -Tieman

 

Discipline changes over time. Your discipline must change to meet the needs of your growing child. You laid the foundation for discipline in the toddler and preschool years and now you want to build on that foundation. You will still be able to use some of the tools you already have, some will need to be modified, and others must be added.

Prevention is still one of the most effective disciplinary tools. Some preventive steps you can take with your school-age child are:

• Establish routines. Have set times for wake-up and going to bed. Have your child make a list of the things that need to be done each day to get ready for school and each evening to get ready for bed. If your child cannot read, have them draw pictures or cut and paste photos from magazines to represent what they are to do. Post the list where it will be seen, such as the bathroom mirror.

• Get organized. Make sure your child can get to their shoes, clothes, coats, etc. easily. Put hats and gloves in baskets on the closet floor. Have a specific place where your child's backpack is to be kept at all times, perhaps a basket by the door.

• Take time to teach chores. Do not assume that because your child has seen you perform household chores for the past five to ten years that they know how to do them. Show them exactly how to do whatever new tasks you expect them to take on. They will not be able to perform to your standard the first time. Be patient and expect that they will need some practice. Avoid stepping in and doing it yourself because it seems easier. They will never learn self-reliance that way.

• State rules and consequences clearly ahead of time. If your rule is that homework must be done before going out to play, be sure your child knows that before the first day of school. Cooperating is much easier if you know what is expected and what to expect.

• Implement consequences immediately and consistently. If the consequence for riding a bike without a helmet is losing the privelege of the bike for a week, then the bike goes into the garage immediately, not after the ride is over. If a situation occurs for which no consequence has been set, take time to think of a fitting consequence. Avoid knee-jerk reactions like your grounded for a month. Make the discipline fit the offense. Your goal is to teach.

Homework. Remember that homework is your child's responsibility. You will need to be available to help, but helping is not doing. Time should be set aside each evening during the week for homework. In our house, it is usually done after dinner. Nothing else can happen until homework is completed - no playing, no television, no nothing. Until your child can read you will probably need to be right there to help with directions and provide assistance. Once your child can read you may need to be close by or easily accessible, but not necessarily sitting right with them. I try to do my "homework" while our son is busy with his. I may write letters, pay bills, or fold clothes. If I am not in the same room, I am frequently checking in to let him know I am there to answer questions. I will check his work, but I do not correct it. I will tell him there are some incorrect answers, but it is up to him to find and correct them. If he cannot, that is important information for his teacher to have. If homework always goes back perfect, the teacher is going to assume that your child does not need any help. That's fine if they did all the work themself. But if you are doing the work so that it will be right, then you are preventing the teacher from providing the assistance your child might need. If a child fails to complete assignments or fails to hand them in on time, it is far better to let them experience the consequences of that behavior at the elementary level than to wait and make them responsible when they are in middle or high school. The consequences become more serious in the higher grades.

Chores. Assuming you have taken the time to teach your child how to perform the chores they have been assigned, and have assigned them chores reasonable for their age and ability., failure to perform them is unacceptable. You might choose to take away other priveleges until the task is completed, such as no going outside to play or no having friends over. You may choose to do the task yourself and have your child pay you out of their allowance. I heard of one instance where a mom would not serve dinner to those who had not completed their chores. When they arrived at the table their plate would be turned upside down as a reminder that something needed to be done before they sat down. After a few lukewarm meals eaten all alone, her children remembered to take care of things before coming to the dinner table. Consequences usually have to be enforced more than once for children to be truly convinced that you mean what you say. There are some ways to increase the liklihood that chores will get done, such as rotating chores, giving the child choices about which chores they will do, doing chores together, and of course, expressing appreciation for chores done well.

Forgetfulness. Children will not learn the importance of remembering if you are always doing it for them. Once again, experiencing the consequences of forgetfulness at this age will prevent more serious ones later on. I keep the school lunch menu on our refrigerator. If our son forgets to check and let us know that he would rather take his lunch, he's stuck with whatever they serve. His "cycles" are also posted on the refrigerator. If he forgets to check, he may not take his library book on library day. He cannot check out another book until he returns the one from home. We walk to school virtually every day, rain or shine. He is responsible for determining whether he needs hat, gloves, long pants, etc. After choosing not to wear a hat on a couple of 40 degree mornings because it wasn't "cool", he decided that being warm was more important than being "cool". When he was younger and didn't want to wear a hat because his friends weren't wearing one, my response was, "When your friends start paying your doctor bills, you can dress like them."

Whining and smart mouth. I have this rare condition where I become deaf when our son begins to whine. My hearing instantaneouly returns when I am spoken to in a regular voice. That doesn't mean he will always get what he is asking for, but at least his request will be heard. I find absolutely nothing funny, cute, or entertaining about children, young people, or adults for that matter, with smart mouths. I do not find them enjoyable as television, movie, or cartoon characters and certainly do not want a smart mouth to become part of our son's character. Not only will I not listen to a smart mouth, I will not be in the presence of one. Rather than become engaged in any kind of banter with a smart mouth, I clearly state that I will not be talked to in that manner, that when he is ready to speak to me in the way he knows is appropriate I will be glad to listen and he knows where to find me. I find it much easier to remain calm and respectful if I remove myself from the situation. Providing good role models, and avoiding poor ones, for speaking respectfully is essential in addressing this issue. Respect begets respect.

Remember that children are not as sophisticated in their ability to compartmentalize their lives as adults. What goes on at home affects their performance at school and vice versa. Kids do best when their lives are stable, dependable, and largely predictable. The tone you set during these early school years will have implications for the rest of their educational career. This is a critical period if our goal is for them to become lifelong learners.

 

 

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