PARENT'S WORD

Loving Through Listening

by Carolyn C. Waterbury -Tieman

 

Did you know that you can't not communicate? That's right. All behavior, both verbal and nonverbal is communication and conveys a message. So the issue is not whether or not you're communicating, but what you're communicating and how well you're communicating it.

When most people see the word communicate, they think of talking. But talking is only part of the process. I recently saw a billboard displaying the message, "A big part of loving is listening". Listening is an essential parenting tool that becomes more and more important as kids become more sophisticated in their ability to communicate.

Remember that listening does not mean that you approve of or condone what you are listening to. Nor does it mean that you are giving permission. You are listening in order to acquire the information necessary to respond appropriately. For example, your twelve year old daughter is irate because her nine year old sister has been in her room again uninvited. She storms out to the yard where you are mowing for the second time in a week and demands that you do something about "the dreadful little brat". Because you are the adult and have learned self control you do not scream at her to grow up and stop calling her little sister names and ask what's the big deal about somebody being in her room anyway. Instead, you calmly turn off the mower, gently guide her to the porch, have her count to ten, and then ask her what the problem is. You are not interested in hearing all the loathsome qualities of her little sister, you simply want to know the problem. Once she has defined the problem, help her brainstorm solutions (any solution is acceptable at this stage of problem solving), then help her choose a solution (this is when you suggest that stuffing her little sister in the closet for a week is not an option), and support her in implementing it. You might role play the situation with her so she can practice explaining the solution to her sister. You might even want to be there for the big event to show your support of her decision.

Our children's behavior, the choices they make in friends, music, activities, how they spend their time, communicates a great deal to us about what they need from us if we are "listening". The fact is, if we are not effective listeners we will not know when or how to best intervene on their behalf. Here are a few suggestions for promoting better communication if that is a goal in your home.

Model open, honest communication. Take the time to accurately identify your feelings before speeking. Are you really mad, or are you actually hurt or disappointed? Are you really angry, or are you actually scared or embarrassed?

Be sure the message you are sending is the one intended. Match your words with a tone of voice, facial expression, and body language that clarify rather than confuse the message you are trying to convey.

Talk "with" rather than "at" your children. While nagging, criticizing, threatening, lecturing, and ridiculing may be done with the best of intentions, these tactics tend to diminish rather than enhance communication.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak. Effective listening is a total body experience requiring the use of our eyes, our brain, our feelings, as well as our ears. Pay attention to eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, and body posture as well as words. Listen for the feelings behind the words and behavior, the feelings that are motivating the person to speak and behave in the way you are observing.

Our children are faced with more difficult decisions each year. We want some assurance that our values are the one's that guide them in making those decisions. There's a much better chance that they have heard the messages and will continue to listen if they believe we are.

Our children are faced with more difficult decisions each year. During the pre-teen years we want some assurance that our values are the one's that guide them in making those decisions. There's a much better chance that they have heard the messages and will continue to listen if they believe we are.

 

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